Steve Martin

Steve Martin realized that he was a horrible actor.

Everything he made was awful but people still watched his junk anyway.

That is why he became a dump truck operator at a strip mine in Alberta.

When the aurora borealis showed up in the sky,

A mysterious vortex swallowed him and his dump truck.

There were no roads where he was going.

Steve Martin found himself on the Great Plains among a Comanche band.

His dump truck brought them powerful medicine and he became a great war chief.

Steve Martin thanked God for allowing him to life a fulfilling existence.

He also ate raw buffalo meat

Marvin the Martian

Marvin the Martian is a kleptomanic. He is not to be trusted.

He is not to be left alone in a doctor’s office.

He will swipe the tongue depressors.

He will pilfer the vomit treys.

Marvin the Martian is a kleptomanic. He is not to be trusted.

He should be banished from the public library.

He stole Adam Smith’s Wealth of Nations.

He did not know that he could download it for free.

Marvin the Martian is a kleptomanic. He is not to be trusted.

He causes problems in the mall bathroom.

He steals all the hand soap by emptying it into a paper cup.

He is promoting the flu this season.

Marvin the Martian is a kleptomanic. He is not to be trusted.

Road Runner

I was running down the street with a crowbar.

I wanted to bash Road Runner’s skull in.

I was going to finally kill and eat him.

I ran into the side of a mountain.

Road Runner dropped an anvil on my head.

He also blew me up with dynamite.

My pursuit was in vain.

Road Runner was too hard to catch.

He got away taunting me.

Coerce me into doing the Lord's work

Coerce me into doing the Lord’s work.

Force me into volunteering at the homeless shelter.

Strong arm me into helping the poor.

Lure me into teaching children how to read.

Con me into donating money to a good cause.
Dupe me into doing the right thing.

Hound me into coaching an after-school sports team.

Bully me into donating my old clothes to a thrift store.

Wear me down by browbeating me into making the world a better place.

Count Chocula

Count Chocula’s flight just landed.

He was up to his eye balls in bad ideas.

He was going to get into a whole heap of trouble.

Count Chocula showed up at your house.

He punctured the tires of your Nissan Quest van.

He broke the mirrors on your Ford Escort.

He then proceeded to light your dumpster on fire.

The firefighters arrived at the scene.

They suddenly put the blaze out.

That was after Count Chocula caused over $1,500 in property damage.

Bugs Bunny

Bugs Bunny is a menace to society.

He spooks little children.

He does it by threatening them with a machete.

Bugs Bunny is a disgusting person.

He plunges people into depression.

He does it by sending people letters telling them that they have AIDS.

Bugs Bunny is a dastardly villain.

He ruins the life of elderly people.

He does it by emptying out their pension funds.

Doubleposting from my blog.

Kids

There are no adults,
only children and dead people
and animals
and trees.

Disease is only a function
of life, and death is just the natural
result of stardust coagulating
in the cracks of the universe
forming the occasional
incidental planet
capable of producing
sentient animals
capable of creating
words.

Home, not house nor sanctuary
simply that space that one can sleep in without dreaming,
left alone is a place not known
nor remembered
nearly non-existent
and God
does not reside in a celestial paradise
nor the heart of the pure nor even the breath of the trees
but in the same place
as growing up
and dying
and finding that place
that place, home.